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Lady Teazle

The School for Scandal
by Lady Teazle

April 2000

This is Lady Teazle’s favorite quote this month:
“I’m sick to death of it. Sick of this Gwyneth Paltrow person that I see everywhere and I hate her and wish she would go away, but there is nothing I can do about it.” -- Gwyneth Paltrow.


Early one morning last week I went to visit my friend Jimmy the groundskeeper for Ilka Winter. I parked my truck down the street and went in the back way hoping to avoid running into Ilka. I’m sneaking around the hedge of the pool house and practically run right into her. She’s wearing a totally see through night gown. Ugh. She’s got this wrinkled body with the manufactured tits of a fourteen year old. Very bizarre. “Darlink, I hope you’re not still mad at Ilka?” she says to me. She waves this envelope at me. “Take zis and vote for anyvon you vant,” she says. “I haven’t seen any of deez moofees.” She fingers my belt buckle and says, “Jimmee says you’re a faggot, but I don’t belieff him.” You like boys? “No!” I said. (It was a knee jerk response. I wasn’t thinking clearly.) Then she grabs my buckle and shoves the envelope into the top of my pants. I turned and ran down the driveway. So here I am sitting at my desk filling out an Oscar ballot! Who knows maybe my vote will help Hillary Swank win. Hollyweird. I miss home. There’s a new TV series and three new movies coming to Austin. I’m definitely moving back.

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