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Lady Teazle

The School for Scandal
by Lady Teazle

May 2000

This is Lady Teazle’s favorite quote this month:
“Matt and I weren’t working. We realized that if you don’t impose some structure and discipline on your life, you’ll go crazy. So we decided to write a screenplay.”
--Ben Affleck


Well, my friend Jimmy the groundskeeper for Ilka Winter quit. Every time it rains mud slides down the hill and into Ilka’s Olympic-sized swimming pool, he’s the one in charge of cleaning it up. “Tyler,” he said, “It just keeps getting worse. Every time it rains this place ends up looking like a hog ranch. You’ve got to see it to believe it.” So, yesterday I drive up, and see Ilka wearing shiny red go-go boots and a string bikini and she’s stuck in mud. “Help me! I’m schtuck! I’m schtuck!” she yelled. “I’m not going out there, Ilka,” I told her. So then she gets all hysterical (in German.) I grabbed a rope from the back of my truck and threw it out to her. I won’t even describe the things that bikini was doing as I reeled her in. Then, after I hauled her old ass out of the mud she turned positively evil. “My fucking go-go bootz are ruined!” Like it was my fault. When Jimmy came downstairs to see what was going on Ilka threw a go-go boot at him. So...Jimmy quit. We got in my truck and peeled out of the old warthog’s driveway and immediately got stuck--in traffic. It takes an hour and a half to go anywhere in this fucking town. You can’t just impulsively go to the grocery store then stop at the dry cleaners and at the video store because that will take the whole day. You have to plan everything you do because the traffic in this town is so bad.

The good new is, I’m dating this really hot chick. There are so many hot chicks in this town they have to date someone, right? These females want to get laid! And I’m just the man to do it. She takes me to this cool party in the Hollywood hills and we go out on the veranda, and Brenda says, “Hey, look at those guys.” I look over and two of my favorite action-adventure stars are making out with each other! I won’t say their names but they’re BIG. They are HUGE. And they are dating EACH OTHER! These totally macho guys. You know me, I walked right up to them and said, “Are you guys together?” And they said they were! Hollyweird.

Everybody out here is talking about the planets lining up. People are doing earthquake therapy support groups and shit--freakin that maybe the “Big One” is coming. If I’m lucky, me and my pick-up, will catch the “Big Wave” home to the hill country.

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