|Austin-Bergstrom International Airport|
Playing a Dead Guy with Dead Guys
by Dan Murphy
In late March I went to an audition to play a Dead Guy with Real Dead Guys in a supposed (I'll explain) Multi Million Dollar Horror Film. Yeah, I know what you're saying, "TMP, you can't put real dead people in a film." That's what I was thinking until I went to the audition and somehow rationalized it in my mind because I wanted the part. Don't tell me you never heard of a snuff film.
I thought I might get a chance to see dead people if I got the part. My Shock & Awe Campaign during the audition blew any opportunity I might have had. Yes, I went off the deep end. You're going to luv it. As usual, I'm certain you are all convinced I'm making this all up. Well, here is some of the text from the Actual Casting Call, from AustinActors.net:
Open Casting Call: Looking for Prosthetic Actors and Actresses for immediate paid work on horror film. Need 4 women, 4 men and 5 alternates for various minor supporting roles. Experience preferred. If you are at all claustrophobic, this is not the role for you. All ages between 18 and 75 will be considered, various body types (proportional) needed. POSITIVE ID REQUIRED. We will check that the age requirement is met before the audition.
Please do not wear makeup to this audition as we need to have actors/actresses be as natural as possible. Piercings must be 100% Removable. Tattoos are acceptable. Selected applicants must be willing to shave excessive body hair for the application of the prosthetics.
Prosthetics will cover various portions of the body up to the complete body. Position will require partial nudity during the life casting process (g-string/speedo's will be worn). Life casting time will be compensated. SpringHill Suites, Austin North. 12520 N. IH35, 1pm until 6pm, Monday, March 24, 2003
Supposedly this audition was for a Multi-million Dollar Budget Horror film and there was a confidentiality agreement which didn't enable them to disclose any facts about the film. Apparently there was a controversy that this whole audition was a scam which I found out about a day later. Generally, the rumors were that they were having auditions for over a year and never following through on anything. If it was a scam, the only thing they were scamming was people's time. I was never asked for money or promised anything.
This is where I met my Auditioning Nemesis, David Dacy, for the first time (who played a Romulan in Star Trek Nemesis). The lady collecting our applications was a Star Trek fan and used to be part of an Austin Star Trek club. I'm a Star Trek fan as well. So, the three of us chatted about Star Trek. David was in the Romulan Senate scene in the Movie Nemesis. He was also explaining that it wasn't his fault the movie sucked.
While filling out the general application at the hotel, there was a question asking if I had any prosthetic experience. I was honest and said no, but decided to change this answer when I went in to audition. There were about 7 people in the auditioning room.
Joey, (I think that was his name), was a special effects guy who was asking most of the questions and giving me the details during the audition. According to him, he was currently working on the "Alamo" and had done work on "Blade." The first question Joey asked was if I had any Prosthetic Experience. I said, "I know I mentioned on the application that I didn't have any experience, but actually I do have some." I paused and waited for him to say something like, "Really, what was it?" I said, "You know that movie Godzilla 1985?" He said, "Yeah." "Well," I said, "I was the guy in the Godzilla suit." Two ladies directly across from me dropped the papers they were holding and gave me incredulous looks. I waited a few seconds to let the Shock of my obvious lie sink in and then admitted I was lying. Everybody got a real good laugh. It was also good I admitted my lie because Joey said he actually met the Japanese guy who wore the Godzilla suit.
I almost told them I was the guy in the Creature from the Black Lagoon suit, but I figured that one wouldn't be believable since the movie was made before I was born. A friend of mine suggested I should have told them I was the Prosthetic Penis guy in Boogie Nights for Mark Wahlberg. I am utterly sure this would have got me immediately thrown out of the room.
They asked me if I had any problems with real dead bodies. I said no and told them about how I went to eat with a cadaver in college. A friend of mine worked for a funeral home and stopped by my place to eat with my roommate and myself before dropping off the body he had in the hearse.
Then Joey said they were going to be using real Dead Bodies in this movie. So that's why they had to ask all the questions about my comfort level with cadavers. I'm sure this is against health code and illegal for other reasons, but I never even questioned it. What I should have asked is this: "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment or MTV's Punked?" If this wasn't some kind of hidden camera show I must have heard them wrong about using real Dead Bodies on the film because it just can't be legal.
They also asked if I had any prosthetic body parts or was claustrophobic. I said, sarcastically said, "What are you getting at, Pal?" (They realized I was kidding.) They wanted to make sure I would be comfortable wearing a full body cast made of silicon for a long period of time. They even had me read a couple of lines. I didn't see the point of this since I was going to be playing a dead guy.
Finally, the audition ended like so may Hollywood auditions do - with a cadaver casting-couch move. They had me stand up and turn around to look my body over. I didn't move until they said, "Simon says, turn around."
Well, shocker, I didn't get the part, but my Romulan friend did. To date I don't think anything has happened with the film.
Oh wait a minute! I just figured this all out. They were going to shoot a HORROR SNUFF FILM! The whole thing was a set-up. Their real aim was to kill me while filming it and sell it to some old Rich Guy to get off to like in 9 millimeter with Nicholas Cage! Well, you won't be pleasuring yourself to my Silicon Cast Cadaver Body! I'm on to you now! I'll sue if I'm not Dead!
Besides, they already BROKE THE SILICON MOLD WHEN THEY MADE THE PACKAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!